Chairman Mao the Burmese Cat

Ridiculously handsome, of superior intelligence, and capable of stalking and killing the most fearsome moths in the world, I shall blog my incredibly interesting adventures from all over my Melbourne townhouse, just for you. I'm into reciprocal grooming, so link me and I'll link you back.

Friday, December 30, 2005

The Chairman has a message for you

I like salmon.

It is hot.

I am upsets. If you are a primate visitor, and if, like my primates, you intends to abandon your ridiculously beautiful feline this weekend in order to drink cheap canned urine with other primates, then for 2006 I hope you develop an incurable scaley rash on your genitals.

Otherwise, Happy Unears!

Next year, you must resolves to love me. Also you must bring me salmon. Also Fluffy's cat found his human again, which is a goodness.

And there is MoggBlogging next Friday in Melbournes. I will send 'master' along to receive any gifts of salmon (I likes salmon!).

Enough, leave me, I must spread myself out across the simians' bed and hog their fan action.

Claw-Clipping Conundrums and MoggBlogging

Because I am ridiculously good-looking, and because these days lookst are associated with wisdom, and anyway because I am also greatly wise, I have been asked for advice by another esteemed MoggBlogger.

KittyBrown has made this name for us, to MoggBlogg. It is good. It is growse. Like Salmon. Or Grouse. I digress...

The query from Pavlov's Cat is:
I would like very much to know whether it is all right to let the simian trim my nails.
Is there some Cat Law that says I should try to stop her (bite her ferociously on the arm or such)? You seem a wise feline and I am sure you will know. I too am extremely beautiful and cannot see why she would want to change my appearance in any way. Simians are very strange.
You are rights to comes to me with this painful conundrum. Simians are, indeed, very strange, and it is of course no secret that I'm wise beyond my year.

The Law is, as the saying goes, a human. So it conflicts with no rational or civilised logicst. Thus there are two laws a cat must choose betweens:

1) When in doubt, bite extremely hard; or

2) Always extract maximum strategic advantage.

Simians is are not the brightest of creatures, but they can connect consequences if a sophisticateds moggy is consistent.

My simians have two prominent flaws (on top of all the inherent flaws associated with being of a lower-order species):

1) Failure to feed me enough Salmon. I likst Salmon, why is this hard for the monkeys to compute?

2) Failure to allow me to sleepst smack-bang in the middle of the bed with my bum shoved into one of them and my feet shoved into the other.

My approach is straightsforwards. When failures are being adequately addressed (never expect more than adequate and you won'tst be too disappointeds with your simians) then clipping may occur.

(We don't understand why they would want to alter our exceptional beauty either, but this is a Machiavellian compromise aimed at extracting the most importanses things- like Salmon.)

When failures are woefully apparent, and for me this involvest serving me crud like pate and making me sleep in the laundry with their filthy ape-clothes smell, then the response is...

...allow the act to commence, close your eyes like you are blissfully happies, then suddenly spring into action - simultaneously sinking your teeth into the soft underside of the wrists and diggings hard into the crotch with your back feet!

This sendst a message, I feel, that even a simian can only fail to understand for so long.

It is importance that you must be consistent!

Now I must go. They have not left me any fishies today, so I will rub my itchy sphincter on their pillows before heading out for some windowsill action.

Thursday, December 29, 2005

Lost Humans

Some cats have lost their simians. This is upsetting. Please keepst an eye out for Fluffy and Quirky. Their felines miss them, and love them.

I'm upset, I'm going to tear something.

Salmon and Philosophy

Visits, I've had visits. Simian bloggers, no less.

Baldy is a simian blogger and he gives me salmon. Please, if you visit, leave me some salmon. I am only doing this to get salmon.

I will blog dots and dots so come back often. But also, please bringst salmon because I likest it very much.

While I am intellectualising, I ask you this question I have often pondered:
Which are more stupid, humans or dogs?
Discuss amongst yourselves.

It is hot, too hot. I must return to sprawling on the lino kitchen floor.

I loves the smell of anchovies in the morning

I lovst it.

Primates have left us. Longhairs stayed back late this morn to drinks the bean brew with baldy. This pleased them, I observe. Perhaps they is particularly happy. Perhaps because of this I gotst a new treat last night.

For weeks now the Fools have served me pate. Do I lookst french?

I wants, I says as I scratches their legs, more and more convincings and deepst, my salmon casserole.
Fellow feline readers note: it comes from the plebian monkeys at Whiskas, but itst a cut above, with salmon and other irrelevancies blended and sloppy and utterly devourables.

Apparently sometimes there it is not my casserole, in the place where they go to find food. But that's no consequentials to me at all.

I musts have it. I wants it.

It has sunken in. Perchance in Canberra with the friendly silly primates where I got presents. Wavy hair the cat whisperer and the happy one with alcyhol breaths we did stay with. They were nice to My Primates, and nice to me. Maybe they figured out I needst something more than pate.

I am not French, I am Burmese. Some primates are SO stupid.

Last night, before I was locked in the cruel room for the eve, a can wast opened. I walked up eagerly, provided some positive tail-wave action, but was still pessimistic. It wasn't the salmon casserole, it must be more inediblesmess.

'Topened.

A delightful pungency of the most delicately rotted fish market slops teased my nostrils. Tail got an erection.

Whole, barely-adulterated chunks of fish was mine, I couldst not stuff them all in my mouth at once, but I tried.

I will now allow the apes to trim my nails. They have understood.

Leave me, I am too important.