Chairman Mao the Burmese Cat

Labr Ledreship Contest- Lisen Up!

2006-12-03T21:00:00.000+11:00

What is it? I sees that baldy and longhairs are exitables about the politics. Well, I shall tell you I am not only the most handsome cat in the world I inhabit, brave and fearsome, but also I am a smart sefologists!

Basicsmuss, there are various options for Baldy's political parties to improve itself or not. One is to bring me food- being chairman, naturally I am able to dispense superiour authorisations and lead anything. And stuff.

But enough about me (as if!!), let's lookwith at the contenders, it is right in front of you:

Bom-Boms.

Wealth of experiencemuss! Also wealth of fresh salmons and whipped sour cream, methinks.

I yam a nice cat but it is for me to say in order to be of truthfulness at this point that this must be the fattest galumper of a cat I have ever laid my perceptive, dashing eyes on.

Not so popular, but appears likely to be the Biggest Loser.

Ruddy Sox.

Believes in God. Also selfs. A bit squeaky, especially if it doesn't get salmon when it wants it. Though not so attractive it actually thinks (steal urself for this simians!) it ist the best cat in the omniverse. Speaks Chinese, which is good for stuff, like, speaking to Chinese.

Jools.

Most feline of fraternising factionising felines. Licks itst paw in anticipation of sitting and purring and taking a share of the cream instead of the current feline that it is what sits and purrs and eats cream. Prefers to sleep.

Does not share its catbox and littertrays. Expects to eat the bloated fur-covered carcasst of Ruddy Sox in a year, because Simon Creens brings it secret bowls of salmon with lashings of stuff on a nightly basis.

There, whatst so hard about that, retarded simian throwbacks?

Im in yr feedredr warmin my harbl

2006-10-26T16:57:00.000+10:00

Thrs cat stuff you shoulds read. Loosy Tartar has bin standing aside for her Master Bazal to do good thins.

Look, look. No itf not a bird. Bazal has a hispace.

An my humans urinited themselfs looking at this picage of catst in pepls stuff.

Mao wos bad an bit dads. Dads turnd red and shouted an shouted an hit Mao with a rainstopstik. Meenwile his blud went all ovr the place. I thinks Mao was jus handing out some discplin caus the humns dont aways get salmon.

Last niit we had beef from the cheep bran an tho we didnt eats it no won gots salmons for us this day. Humns are slow lerners.

So anwaysmuss I can now jump on two th wall an dad getst a hart attack. I dids it twyce.

Taik that fukr, I want salmons an Mao does two.

Altho I DO likes th thing dad does with my eers an when he does it I purrs an closet my eys an purrs more.

Im a hip coot cat an latr duds an dudetts!

*displays butt under erect tail*

Good mornings

2006-08-18T08:08:00.000+10:00

*slow eyelid bat*

Doest anyone still loves me?

...

ANYONE?

...

I waits for the walk. Its nices out there, the sky is blues and full of birds we can bravely see-offs. But while I waits, bring me salmons and tell me you loves me.

I yam a beautiful handsomest cat. I am now big muscables and lean. I can leaps over the fence and give dad a heart attacksmuss.

*evil cat smile*

I YAM a Lionesses an I CATCH TAYLS!!

2006-03-06T09:52:00.000+11:00

Saws it again tooday. Mao's tayl. I likest mao's tayl, itsp funs.

He sitst on th lege an looks owt ovr th streat but his tayl hangst duwn an swings bak and forf.

I watchd it intentlee.

I am lyke a LIONNESS!!

I hunchst duwn. Takesp aim.

I LEAPSP and braively GRABPS IT!!!!

I fite an tusl with its an I beet it up an byte it!!

Mao gets madd an hissis an walksp bakwoods an shayks hiss tayl butt I bravesply hang on like A LIONESS an he forls off an lands on baldys bedsid tabil an noks ovr his glass wich has worter in it.

Yay itss fun! I YAM lionesses!!!

*squeak*

Powches, Pershans and howsing markits

2006-02-16T20:41:00.000+11:00

Who loves me? Is it what that any of you still has me linkst?

....

*look that would melt Titanium in a freezer*

Wells! I shall talk regardlessmuss.

I have a blister - I yam told she ist my little blister- she comes from whence I comes from also she is burmese buts also she is Pershan it is wierd but thatst ok. Her dad ist my dad but he made double pudda-pudda with a Pershan so it is that we ist not the sames.

She is an hexotic shorthair!

She is knot literates like me but I showst her how to type in regardlessness as you can sees below.

I chase her and she chases me and thens after that I chase her and then, and then, and she chases me again!

I have becomst a calmings cat. I speaks little, buts I cuddles my simians dots and dots.

*purrs*

*waits for scratch behind ear of approval*

So yanyways also there is this foods thatst in pouches that is good and has salmons and stuff but mainly salmons.

It is YUM. I LIKE Salmonses. Bring it me.

But why is it so small? Pouches I likes but I likes two of them.

Also there is something called houses markets that baldy and longhairs obsess over they says they will get somethings where it is big and Minh my blister and eye have a cat run.

A Cat run. *prrr*

Do you have a cat run?

Splo?

2006-02-10T11:53:00.000+11:00

Lookstp.

*blinks*

Bigs bryuthir. I canf TYP.

*squeak*

Clevr Min-Min I yams.

*blinks*

*squeaks*

I yamdj Min an I am elven wiiks old an I am fasts than Mao whots my brothr an is big but canstnot catch ME!!!

So so so cute is I!

I am busyness now I can't blog sorry

2006-01-18T23:32:00.000+11:00

I havest a friend!

She is sweets. Soooo sweets.

Her name is Minh, and, and, she's likest me in that 'cause she is a cat, and, and, also it is conceivable that we havest the same dad 'cause she came from the same breeder as me and, and, she is half burmese and half persian!

And also she is sweets! She plays and runs around and stuff.

And I lickst her bum and other bits and she's like, she's like cat! It is good, and it is grouse.

I have forgivens baldy and longhair. I have also changeds, becomes distractmuss. I haves to play with her! If I am blogging I hast to let her blog too and she is not a good typister so instead I think actually we are going to play with other stuff.

I do loves you all, please knows it, and you can always, ALWAYS, bring me salmon, by dropping in on Baldy my simian's Blog and seeing if I have posteds or if he has posteds about me. I know he will from time to time.

But for now, I must says goodbye, adieu, adios, and stuffs. I will misses you all!

Hairy tis, a whiskery kiss for alls of you ..... xxx

I havest a Meme!

2006-01-16T10:30:00.000+11:00

I have hadst a meme is thrown at me!

Lucy the simian who is owned by a nice cat called Baz has done this thing. I know not what it is, or why it is? But I will try and do it, because I likest to be loved, and also because I am mad as a cat in a hell full of dogs and needs distractmuss, and also because then maybe Lucy or Baz will linkst me and thereby show me love.

I musts say the 5 wierdest things that what I do!

*cocks head*

*right ear goes back*

*right ear comes forward*

That is number one. Wants to see it again? Scroll up 6 lines.

Now what is else is there? I am not wierd at all, because I am beautiful and smart. But I know what my simians find wierd, I shall share it, on the assumption that you will all bring me salmon.

Number two.... well, see I see a bird and I lookst at the bird and I bravely do this fearsome and scary and brave, did I mention brave? thing which is whats that I utter a sounds like an outboard motor on a boat- whatever that is, ask baldy, and I dislocates my lower jaw, and my lower jaw goes ins and outs real fast while I make the noise.

"naga- naga- naga-naga- naga-naga- naga-naga- naga-naga- naga-naga- naga naga- naga-naga- naga-naga- naga-naga- naga-naga- naga-naga- naga-naga-naga-naga- naga-naga- naga-naga- naga-!!"

That's it- cool is it not?

Number three... I gets on the couch and I licks baldy's head. I knows cats does this, even when 'tis not reciprocuss, buts I do it and do it and do it and if baldy didst not stop and shift I would lick his head off! My tongue its is like a cheese grater!

Number four... I write a blog. I'm a cat, it is, I am told, exceptionally wierd.

And number fives.... well, I complain and complain thats I want more company and I mewl and look longingly at other cats what it is walks around my house but if you put one anywhere near me I GO &*%*&% PSYCHO AND I WANTS TO KILL IT WHY DOESN'T IT SHUT UP WHY DOES ITSMELL LIKE OTHER THAN WHAT I IS WHY IS IT HERE WHY DO THEY NOT LOVE ME I AM GOING TO KILL SOMETHING OR AT LEAST DO THE NAGA-NAGA AT IT OH I DON'T CARE ABOUT SALMON ANY MORE I JUST WANTS THE PLACE TO MYSELF AGAIN.

WHAT ARE YOU STARING AT?!?!?!?!

...

Sorry, I'm upsets.

That is all. I must go hiss at a door.

Hhhchchchchssst!!

2006-01-15T00:03:00.000+11:00

HDkfk&^&jdf&^&^!

...

rrrrRRRRRAAAEEEEOooowwwwwrrr....

...

HHSHSSTT!!!

*makes as if to bite*

*rolls*

*stares*

Baldy hitst me it's cat abuse filthy simian they is traitorsmuss! Ok I bits him and trieds to bites him and longhairs on the heads well not really but I wast tryings to tell them stuff and they did nothing about it and it smells and its smell is on them and nobody loves me and I'm going to be thrown out and rejected and replaceds.

...

LOOK!

I have stuffs for you and you

2006-01-10T22:32:00.000+11:00

Because I likes you and you are what lovest me 'cause you visits me (although none of you brings me salmon yet, not really!) and even I don't mind so muches the simians what also leaves their filthy paws on my site- but good-filthy for a simians, I means no offences- aanyway 'cause of all this and stuff I have presents for you.

Also some of you are is girly cats and I likest girls. Please don't believes what they mutterst about my bolloxt, I am a healthy boy with a healthy appetite.

Certainly for salmon.

And my bolloxt is still there, but just a tiny bit smaller.

Really tis.

I HAVE A SAX STILL OK ITS NOT MY FAULT DON'T LAUGHS AT ME I DIDN'T DECIDE TO TAKE ME AND POP MY JATST CRACKERS OUT AT THE SMELLY PLACE WITH THE WOMEN IN WHITE COATST PLEASE DON'T LAUGH OR I'LL TAKE YOUR EARLOBE OFF AND EATS IT WITH MY CASSYROLES.

...

*rolls over*

*rolls back*

So anyway what do you have for me today?

Okee I gives YOU stuff today, I see. It ist nothings you verily will be thrilled of, just linkst that what is fun and givens to me by you. But maybe you haven't read them. Not you, you other than you that lefts the links. YOU KNOWS WHAT I MEAN.

Sorry, bad day, baldy is upsets and angry at work.

So... Hairy Tis....

Cutesmuss!!

*prrrr*

And...AND EVERYTHINGS I WROTE FROM HERE DOWN WAS NOT SAVED AND PUBLISHED BY BLOGGER THAT IS RUN BY STUPID STUPID SIMIANS.

Seriousmuss, that sucks. I had quotes and alls. OK, I writes again, hairy tis...

Fat Pets!

The sweet (though simian) ladycracked has asks me to comment on this arctical. This is what its hays:

A survey of British vets and owners showed that one in three pets, or 33 per cent, were considered overweight and 38 per cent of pet owners said their animals put on weight over Christmas.

Well they WOULD says that wouldn'ts they?

Like baldy and longhairs they eat sand eat sand eat sand eats but when their poor lovings superiour neglecteds puddah says love me, and givest me just a smidgeon morsal scraps of salmon they go callings them FAT.

FAT!

Stupid apes, fat themselves, like rottweilers too dopey to get back down on all fours.

So I says the arctical is CRAP. I provides proofs, cast your forensix eyes over the last sentenst: About 30,000 human deaths a year in Britain are attributable to obesity, health experts say.
What, I ask you, does this have to do with an arctical about Pets??

Nothing, they just had nothings of relevance to say.

Journalist art-school dropout simian trash.

Now, you must go. Though a quick scratches on the head topst is not out of the questions.

Laughings at simians

2006-01-08T01:12:00.000+11:00

Funny, like a fly caught behinds a window sill.

Brilliance blonde jokest!

Thanks you, but where is my salmon?

2006-01-07T23:07:00.000+11:00

Nice simians have spoken about how much they love me and other stuff that doesn't matter over at baldy's blog.

Thankst!

*leg rubs*

But you can say nice things all you wants but the proof is in the casserole. Salmon casserole. Where is it?

Baldy wents to a MoggBlogg and tooks longhair but left me, alone, borings, with only a small bit of salmon that was cruelty it was so small. I slepst on their bed all evening whiles they were out, but when I heards them returns I (cleverly) ran down and positioned myself next to the door, like it is where I had been waitings all night. As if!

Anyway, because they ises deluded as to how important they are, they thought I was missings them all night and felt bad and gave me more salmons. And because I was still not happiness with Baldy I squeezed out the entirety contents of my bowels in all 4 corners of the tray thingy so it mades him grab hist front-head and make a noise like on mornings when he leans over the sink groaning and smelling of alcyhol.

He tookst the tray out, at 1 in the morning, I noted with satisfactionmuss!

Then I realised maybe I wents too far maybe they will not loves me (although how could that be? I do not know...) and will NOT feed me salmon?! So I gaves lots of kisses in the morning and was grouse and they knews it because tonight I got to WALK on a lead.

I was carried to some leafy stuffs with smells like you wouldn't believe! Then I was carried to the top of the hill where once I met another burmese what was a simian! There were 2 dogs there - dogs are sooo stupid- and of COURSE I wast not scared. I leapt up bravely to fight and defeats them and only accidentalsmuss landed on baldy's shoulders and somehow caughts my nails in his shirt and couldn't comes down until the dogs had gone again.

Foul creatures!

Anyway then I walkst more and showed baldy and longhair thats I was boss ('cept when they kept picking me upst) and took them home.

I walkst! I'm a clever cat, aren't I?

*prrrr*

That is all. Feed me salmon, and loves me...

I climbed over the wall

2006-01-05T23:38:00.000+11:00

My simians are is upset.

Help Me

2006-01-04T22:16:00.000+11:00

SOSst. Shhh. I is trapst, I am abused like an RSPCA picture or Britney Spearis.

Baldy has lockst me away, under the stairs.

...

Cause its BOO-RRINNG! And I've eatens my salmon. Dad gots me salmon cassyroles today and it was yum and I atest it all and I insertst my claw into the skins on his kneecap and so he LOVEST me and gave me more and also I ate it too.

It was grouse.

But now, I am nots loved, cause, cause I am lockst up for the night.

Ba-ldy....longhair... they is ignores me...

BALDY LONGHAIR LET ME OUT I WON'T I WON'T WAKE YOU UPS WELL NOT TOO MUCH JUST EVERY COUPLES OF HOURS BUT I WILL BE BOY OF LOVE AND HUGS AND THE BEST BEST CAT LET ME OUT... LET ME OUT DAMN YOU INBRED SIMIAN PIECES OF MAGGOT RIDDEN DOG CORPSE!!

Guys...?

I didn't means it, not really. OK you can keep me here, just give me a little more salmonses. Just a bit, I likes it.

...

*licks leg*

*licks balls, bum*

...

*Flopst*

Prrrrrr......

People Likes Us! Perhaps too much...?

2006-01-03T13:22:00.000+11:00

Today I plays with my toy that's plastic and round and has a bird inside it that I can slapst and slapst and it goes one way then the other way then the first way and so on. It is goodly. I gots it from another cat, for Catsmass.

People are says they likest me. This of course is because I am ridiculously good looking and intelligent, and because simians is easily impresseds.

Still, of course, yam happy.

See here at comment 29, random lovings.

And here, the well-named Pats would appear to have an interest in some intra-species lovings..

I have a little canoe I take up the Nepean and was wondering if you would like to come along. There would be lots of fun and games and of course salmon. I could hide it and you would find it. I also have a little sailors outfit you could wear. Doesn't it sound like fun?

Noo, it is not what we likes to fun. And don't be tryings to scratch our bottoms.

You- simian, Mao - feline. Jiggy-jiggy no-no!

But you can bring salmon to me at MoggBlogging.

Tired, so tired

2006-01-03T00:32:00.000+11:00

*s-t-r-r-e-e-t-c-h*

...

* a-r-r-c-h-h-h*

OK, I typest. Because I know you love me, because I'm absurdly handsome.

But I am, alas, tired. And I have spotted a free area on the simians' bed, between longhair and baldy. It is mine, I wants it.

Today they came back after 2 days of neglecting me. I was left with only 10 minutes worth of fish! I guzzles it, then goes to ask for more, and they have left.

I am sad when they go away. Of course, it is good to have maximum run of the housies. To traipst across the kitchen tables with appropriate impunity. And they are rather stupid, being simian and all. But why am I rejected?

How can they leave me, when I am so beautiful? Do they not loves me enough?

I like to eat salmon.

Anyway I wants to tell you about a victorious battle experience: I saw a fly in the house and I followsd it and it flew up the stairs and I patiently hunteds it like a Lion or something else that hunts, stuff, and anyway it came down into the living room so I *cleverly* lay still on the couch watching it then it landed on a window and I snuck up and I grabsd at it but it slipped away.

But I injured it, I know it, I saw it was flying less-properly!

So I beat it.

I was very very brave. Am I not the most BRAVEST cat you have seen?

I AM very brave, like a Tiger or whatnot.

The Chairman has a message for you

2005-12-30T23:38:00.000+11:00

I like salmon.

It is hot.

I am upsets. If you are a primate visitor, and if, like my primates, you intends to abandon your ridiculously beautiful feline this weekend in order to drink cheap canned urine with other primates, then for 2006 I hope you develop an incurable scaley rash on your genitals.

Otherwise, Happy Unears!

Next year, you must resolves to love me. Also you must bring me salmon. Also Fluffy's cat found his human again, which is a goodness.

And there is MoggBlogging next Friday in Melbournes. I will send 'master' along to receive any gifts of salmon (I likes salmon!).

Enough, leave me, I must spread myself out across the simians' bed and hog their fan action.

Claw-Clipping Conundrums and MoggBlogging

2005-12-30T10:58:00.000+11:00

Because I am ridiculously good-looking, and because these days lookst are associated with wisdom, and anyway because I am also greatly wise, I have been asked for advice by another esteemed MoggBlogger.

KittyBrown has made this name for us, to MoggBlogg. It is good. It is growse. Like Salmon. Or Grouse. I digress...

The query from Pavlov's Cat is:

I would like very much to know whether it is all right to let the simian trim my nails.

Is there some Cat Law that says I should try to stop her (bite her ferociously on the arm or such)? You seem a wise feline and I am sure you will know. I too am extremely beautiful and cannot see why she would want to change my appearance in any way. Simians are very strange.

You are rights to comes to me with this painful conundrum. Simians are, indeed, very strange, and it is of course no secret that I'm wise beyond my year.

The Law is, as the saying goes, a human. So it conflicts with no rational or civilised logicst. Thus there are two laws a cat must choose betweens:

1) When in doubt, bite extremely hard; or

2) Always extract maximum strategic advantage.

Simians is are not the brightest of creatures, but they can connect consequences if a sophisticateds moggy is consistent.

My simians have two prominent flaws (on top of all the inherent flaws associated with being of a lower-order species):

1) Failure to feed me enough Salmon. I likst Salmon, why is this hard for the monkeys to compute?

2) Failure to allow me to sleepst smack-bang in the middle of the bed with my bum shoved into one of them and my feet shoved into the other.

My approach is straightsforwards. When failures are being adequately addressed (never expect more than adequate and you won'tst be too disappointeds with your simians) then clipping may occur.

(We don't understand why they would want to alter our exceptional beauty either, but this is a Machiavellian compromise aimed at extracting the most importanses things- like Salmon.)

When failures are woefully apparent, and for me this involvest serving me crud like pate and making me sleep in the laundry with their filthy ape-clothes smell, then the response is...

...allow the act to commence, close your eyes like you are blissfully happies, then suddenly spring into action - simultaneously sinking your teeth into the soft underside of the wrists and diggings hard into the crotch with your back feet!

This sendst a message, I feel, that even a simian can only fail to understand for so long.

It is importance that you must be consistent!

Now I must go. They have not left me any fishies today, so I will rub my itchy sphincter on their pillows before heading out for some windowsill action.

Lost Humans

2005-12-29T16:10:00.000+11:00

Some cats have lost their simians. This is upsetting. Please keepst an eye out for Fluffy and Quirky. Their felines miss them, and love them.

I'm upset, I'm going to tear something.

Salmon and Philosophy

2005-12-29T14:57:00.000+11:00

Visits, I've had visits. Simian bloggers, no less.

Baldy is a simian blogger and he gives me salmon. Please, if you visit, leave me some salmon. I am only doing this to get salmon.

I will blog dots and dots so come back often. But also, please bringst salmon because I likest it very much.

While I am intellectualising, I ask you this question I have often pondered:

Which are more stupid, humans or dogs?

Discuss amongst yourselves.

It is hot, too hot. I must return to sprawling on the lino kitchen floor.

I loves the smell of anchovies in the morning

2005-12-29T11:49:00.000+11:00

I lovst it.

Primates have left us. Longhairs stayed back late this morn to drinks the bean brew with baldy. This pleased them, I observe. Perhaps they is particularly happy. Perhaps because of this I gotst a new treat last night.

For weeks now the Fools have served me pate. Do I lookst french?

I wants, I says as I scratches their legs, more and more convincings and deepst, my salmon casserole.

Fellow feline readers note: it comes from the plebian monkeys at Whiskas, but itst a cut above, with salmon and other irrelevancies blended and sloppy and utterly devourables.

Apparently sometimes there it is not my casserole, in the place where they go to find food. But that's no consequentials to me at all.

I musts have it. I wants it.

It has sunken in. Perchance in Canberra with the friendly silly primates where I got presents. Wavy hair the cat whisperer and the happy one with alcyhol breaths we did stay with. They were nice to My Primates, and nice to me. Maybe they figured out I needst something more than pate.

I am not French, I am Burmese. Some primates are SO stupid.

Last night, before I was locked in the cruel room for the eve, a can wast opened. I walked up eagerly, provided some positive tail-wave action, but was still pessimistic. It wasn't the salmon casserole, it must be more inediblesmess.

'Topened.

A delightful pungency of the most delicately rotted fish market slops teased my nostrils. Tail got an erection.

Whole, barely-adulterated chunks of fish was mine, I couldst not stuff them all in my mouth at once, but I tried.

I will now allow the apes to trim my nails. They have understood.

Leave me, I am too important.